Anger after Divorce

 Today is a little bit of a heavy blog.  It is something that has been weighing heavily on me lately, and this seems to be my outlet to let things out.  I find the more I type it out the more I feel it and begin to understand it.  Lets talk anger.  Anger is a complex emotion that everyone tells you, let go.  Let it go and it will feel so much better and give you the relief you have been searching for.  For me personally I thought I had let go of this anger years ago.  Turns out I didn't let it go, I pushed it down and now its surfacing like crazy.  I have gone back and forth on if I should write this for people to read, but I thought I wonder how many people out there are in similar situations and are struggling as well?  So I guess lets get into it. 

    If you read along with this blog you know I separated from my husband in 2022.  This circumstances around it are all in here previous so I won't go into great detail.  When I first decided this is it I am done, the relief that flew in was insane.  Things I thought would be so hard came easy.  I focused on getting my life back together and I found a sense of calm and relief with it.  Now three years have passed, and suddenly I am having a breakdown, full force tears, and can't breath.  What is wrong with me?  I started spitting it out to my spouse and realized, I am angry.  I am so full of anger I could burst at any moment.  Its starting to affect my life, in a big way.  No I was not crying because I was sad, or missed the past, or was wanting that life back.  Not at all.  I was crying because I am exhausted, completely exhausted.  

    School is back in and sports are in full swing,  with as many kids as we have, its exhausting on its own, plus we added a new sport for two of the boys this year.  That added more travel, more games, more practises. Can you guess who goes to every single one?  Every practice every game, who is there? Me.  I haul these boys to and from sports, pack snacks, pay the fees, help and support the fundraisers.  I am there.  Mom I need a new mouthguard, mom I need new shoes, mom we need $300 in fees.  I handle it all. My spouse helps when he can, he works full time so I am able to stay home and handle all of this.  When he is on days off and we have two kids going in different directions he takes one I take the other, or when we have a late night practice he stays home handles supper and the other kids so I can take the other.  We are a team, and I thank god every day for giving me this partner in life.  It really does help with the heaviness I feel on my shoulders.  

BUT

Let's get back to the anger.  One night I was feeling absolutely exhausted and had to go into the rink for an evening of hockey and I broke.  I am angry, I am angry that my kids have another parent, but where is his help?  Where is he to take them to their sports events?  Or drive them to their friends house?  You can argue, I moved away and took the kids with me, I signed up to do it alone.  Okay sure, when the texts come in, this equipment costs this much, the fees this year are this much, or mom my entry fees are this can you send me money.  Where is their other parent then? Still absent, so who's shoulders does it fall on to make sure all of this gets paid?  Mine.  

When I left, I thought to myself, he is struggling right now, deep in addiction, he didn't have a job, he was in a rough spot, I couldn't possibly ask for child support, or spousal support.  I got a lawyer and told her, I just want half of their school and sports fees.  That is it.  I didn't want to go for half the house, or the contents of the house.  I took my camper and my vehicle and clothes and left.  This is where more anger comes in, when my kids tell me their father says I took everything from him.  That hits right in the guts.  I didn't.  My lawyer pushed me to take more, I firmly said no, I just want help with the kids stuff and and I want out.  Do you know what I got from my lawyer?  A $6000 bill, and nothing, so separation agreement was made, no official divorce was settled.  Why? Because he used legal aid, then stopped responding to them, so they dropped him as a client.  I had just sent all that money, to get nothing.  Not a thing done.  For this I am so angry.  That is not a small amount of change to spend, for nothing.  I am angry at lost money, I am angry for lack of support, I am angry that I still have people contacting me telling me what he is still saying about me to anyone who will listen.  

I work my ass off every single day for my kids, my entire life revolves around them, I wake them up, I pack their lunches, I get them to school.  I handle their sports schedules, I handle budgeting so we can make sure everything can be paid for.  I wash all of their clothes, their sports equipment, go shopping for the extras they need.  I cancel my own things, or cut back on anything for myself to adjust to what their needs are.  My world circles around what they need, when and how much.  To still continually be talked down about.  When I left all I wanted was for him to get himself together and be there for his kids.  There was no future for me and him, but he had the kids.  There for sure was a future there and I wouldn't ever stand in the way of that.  

When I moved I set up a schedule to meet half way almost every long weekend possible to make sure the kids could get to see him as much as possible.  The date would close in and I would get a text, I can't find anyone to drive me to meet.  So what did I do?  I phoned my mom, I got her to meet me half way and take the kids to him, because you know what, those kids wanted to see him to.  I could have just said oh well guess you cannot go.  I didn't the kids were excited and I didn't want them to be sad.  This went on for well over a year.  With a few times my spouse drove them all the way there and came back to go to work.  That is eight hours out of his way so those kids could see their dad.  Still we are talked about how awful we are.  This is crushing.  So yes, I am angry.  

I am so angry, that no matter how much I bend over backwards to make sure the kids get both of their parents, I am still talked about as the bad one.  Looking back on the things I shrugged off and let go, the angrier I get.  His family is big on holidays like thanksgiving, so every single year I make the effort to get the kids there for it.  Still the bad guy.  We alternated Christmas the one year, I had the kids Christmas morning, had a super fast morning and drove them the four hours so they could be at the in-laws for Christmas day, boxing day and the week following.  Why? For the kids, they had family coming there that they do not get to see often, so it was important to me that they get there.  Still the bad guy.  I could go on and on with examples, but it is the past, why bother now I suppose.  I am just hoping maybe one day there can be change. 

I don't know yet how to let go of this anger, but I know that I need to.  The more I sit and think about it the worse it gets.  I have focused my entire adult life on my kids, and to be constantly talked down about and told you are failing is soul crushing.  From age 18 to current, I have scheduled around kids, if I wanted a night out, I had to find a baby sitter, if he wanted a night out he had to tell me he was going out that is it.  If I was going away, I had to make arrangements, if he was going away, he had to tell me he was leaving.  If he went for drinks after work and didn't come home until super late, I was supposed to be ok.  If I was to go for drinks after work I would get message after message and phone calls.  Life was not balanced.  I am angry at the time lost, I am angry at the lack of support, I am angry that I was made to feel small.  I am angry that I am the person being blamed for the marriage falling apart, it's a two way street.  I am angry at how much I missed out on because I was afraid to even try.  I am angry that I stayed as long as I did. Like I said, it just keeps spewing out.  I am angry at it all.  

But Why?

Why now three years later am I feeling all of this anger?  I think maybe because three years later and it is still not official.  Three years later I am still legally married to him, separated but married still.  I am angry that I still get passive aggressive messages about the kids.  Three years later and there still isn't the effort I was hoping for.  

I wish I could just snap my fingers and let all of this go, but I can't.  I can't stop it from flowing in every single day.  More and more comes to mind and I find myself just full.  I am trying to let bygones be bygones, but truth is, three years later and it is still all the same.  I feel like until other things start to change, I am going to carry this anger for awhile.  I know for the sake of my kids, I need to push it aside and just keep pushing through, and I try every day, but it's not an easy task.  For now I am taking it one day at a time.  I just want my kids to have the best childhood I can give them without pulling them into their parents drama.  I will continue to never be negative in front of them.  I will continue to push for that relationship with their dad, and I will continue to support whatever decisions they make, even if those decisions change constantly.  

I want my kids to know, I didn't plan it to be this way.  I didn't want them to grow up with a split household, but I also didn't want them to grow up seeing what love shouldn't be.  I didn't want them to grow up seeing their mom fade away in depression.  I want them to grow up to be strong, independent, loving, caring, smart young men.  I want them to grow up knowing their mom has their back no matter what happens.  I want them to know they don't have to accept things the way they are.  I want them to create change, to make their happiness.  I want them to know that they are loved, by so many people, and are backed with full support.  I want to be able to let go of this anger, and just be there for them.  I pray one day that will happen.