Baby story, trauma and love

 I decided to tell the story of the very last time I gave birth.  It's a trauma story for me, but talking about it now seems to help me realize how scary the situation actually was.  I was a working mom, three boys already at home, a strained relationship and the fear of giving birth one last time.  After my third I was done, I had two births with no pain killers, my third I gave in and had the epidural, it was amazing, but the experience itself was still traumatic to me.  I did not want to do it again, a feeling I feel many women go through, when they are done they are done.  Finding out I was pregnant with my fourth was instant fear.  I was in a rocky relationship with my husband, on the verge of leaving, I had finally found a career I loved and just started going to college for it, and this happens.  Isn't that how life works sometimes?  We think we have it figured out and then life says, nope lets through a curve ball.  

I went through almost my entire pregnancy before telling people I was expecting.  I wore big shirts to work, I never went out anyway so it was not unusual to not see me out and about.  I needed time to adjust, to come to terms with my own feelings about what was happening.  When I did tell people they were in absolute shock to find out I was only 10 weeks away from being due.  The funny part is, I hid it to come to terms with myself, when I finally did tell that is when I finally came to terms.  When I had the love and support of the people around me.  It makes me feel foolish now that I had kept it inside for so long.  Towards the end of the pregnancy, I found my joy, my excitement of it, I was having a baby! A thing that so many women, myself included take for granted.  There are women out there just praying and pleading to become pregnant.  

Towards the end, the fear crept in, giving birth again, the pain it was all to fresh in my mind.  I did not want to do it again, I cried at the thought of it.  I talked to my doctor and we came to the decision that a scheduled C-section was my best option.  It would calm my anxiety of giving birth again, and let me relax and enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy.  I was booked in for 39 weeks and one day.  Week 38 is when it all went downhill.

I remember this so clear, even though its been almost six years now, this day is forever etched into my memory.  It was a Tuesday, which meant it was the night my husband would go to his meeting in town.  That sounds like nothing crazy, but it had a hidden agenda.  I knew it meant he would be gone all evening drinking with his friends.  This caused a fight.  I was angry and upset that he could not just go to a meeting and come home.  He had issues with addiction, and this just fueled it, and fueled my anger towards it.  In the end I lost the fight as usual, I should just shut up and never even start the fight.  I knew the end before it even started.  Two of my boys were spending the night with their grandma as the often did.  As much as I loved being a mother, my mom loved being and grandmother, this was her calling.  She loves her grandkids so much and is so involved I am not sure I could ever tell her how grateful I am for her.  

I was sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket with my youngest son laying between my legs watching his favorite movie.  I was on my phone checking my pregnancy app.  I had it logged in there, c-section for one week from today. I was getting excited and worried all at the same time.  The baby was moving lots tonight, kicking hard tossing and turning it made me uncomfortable, but those were some of my favorite feelings.  The feeling of a sweet little baby kicking you from the inside, its indescribable.  You feel all this love for someone you have never ever met yet.  I felt the baby turn and flip and kick, and all in an instant my water broke.  

I was so afraid, the last three times I had given birth I had already been in the hospital when my water broke, delivering my boys minutes after.  I thought am I going crazy? Is this actually happening, where is the pain, where was the warning.  My previous experiences I had had contractions for hours before this happened.  Instant fear.  I tried calling my husband, call after call nothing.  Sometimes it would ring and ring, sometimes it would click to voicemail after one ring.  We all know what that means, he clicked ignore.  I had had enough, I was afraid, I had a small child with me, trying to stay calm for him, I did what any one would have.  I called mom.  My mom and dad were at my house within minutes.  I decided to try my husband one last time, but not to his phone.  I called his friends phone, he answered.  I explained I needed my husband to come home and come home now.  I could hear him in the back yelling she just wants me to come home.  

He did take the call, when I said I was in labor he first did not believe me.  He asked me if I was sure I just wanted him to come home almost annoyed that I had called.  It took convincing, he finally decided to come home.  He made it to the house just was we were about to pull out of the driveway.  He got into the truck with us, angry that I had called my parents in the first place.  I didn't care, he didn't answer and I needed the help.  

We had drove about twenty minutes before the contractions hit, and they hit hard.  Harder than any contraction I had ever felt.  We live an hour and a half from the hospital.  I was freaking out.  That is the only way to explain it.  I was trying to stay calm but inside I was terrified.  I thought I was going to give birth on the side of the highway.  This was all wrong, everything was wrong.  I did not want to go through this again, I had a plan, I had one week until my c-section.  Why was this happening to me now. 

I called the hospital ahead of time, I told them I am supposed to be a c-section and who my doctor was.  They said they would call her and let her know.  This comforted me, ok they will have her ready and the delivery room ready for my surgery.  I was not going to give birth again I couldn't. 

We arrived at the hospital at quarter to ten in the evening.  I quickly went through emergency up the the maternity ward.  I was greeting by nurses and the first words they said to me was "Oh we thought it would be hours before we would see you in here" 

HOURS? Everything in me drained.  They did not take my phone call seriously, they had not called my doctor, nor have the prepared for me to be there.  I knew this baby was coming and coming fast.  A nurse directed me to a room on the other side of the hallway.  I remember thinking and I think I said out loud "No this is the room they take them to, when they think someone might be in labor, I need this hall I need a delivery room"  The nurse continued to try and calm me explaining that this was standard, usually people believe they are further along than they actually are.  Why was she not listening to me, I had done this three times before.  I know the drill, I know the feeling.  The fact was I was young, and I looked young.  I was never taken seriously there.  Nurses believing they knew better.  

Once inside the room I hardly made it onto the little table, when the nurse went to put the monitor stickers on me to check for contractions, I snapped.  It's not a proud moment but I snapped. I screamed at her "JUST CHECK ME"  She had a slight flash of anger come across her face, before turning back to compassion and she said ok lets take a look.  She had hardly put her hand down to check before a worried facial expression came across her face. "You are ten centimeters and I am holding his feet in my hands" 

My world felt like it was crumbling.  No, I was not giving birth he is not that far along.  I asked for my doctor.  Before I could even get a thought out, my bed was being wheeled out of that room and quickly rushed down to the other hall, to the delivery room.  Nurses rushed from all over, pretty soon I was surrounded by people.  I had one trying to get me into a gown, one trying to get an IV in my arm and many more strapping me with monitors and surgical socks, it was all a whirlwind.  A resident doctor had come in to talk to me, he explained he was working under my doctor and that she was on her way.  I cried out I am not delivering this baby, I had a plan I am having a c-section. He stood there looking at me fear across his face. He didn't hide it well, he was out of his depth here and he knew it.  

Meanwhile the contractions were hitting and hitting hard.  I cried please can I have something for pain, I want an epidural.  It was too late for that option. The doctor paced the room from my bed to the window looking out at my doctors parking spot.  He paced back and forth a couple times before a nurse stopped him.  They could not give me medication without his order.  His voice cracked when he said yes yes give her fentanyl.  The nurse was just putting the second scringe of it in my IV line before he yelled "She's here. oh my god she is here"  He ran out of my room, to what I am assuming was to meet her in the hallway. 

My doctor was finally here, she came in her street clothes.  She was calm when she spoke asking me if I would like to do this naturally or if we should do the surgery.  Do the surgery I cried I am not giving birth.  She smiled and told me to let her check me then we would prep for surgery.  I cried out no.. No she asked me?  I said I cannot open my legs.  He was coming naturally, I had no way to stop it.  She looked and sure enough he was coming, feet first.  Footling breech is the worst breech to deliver. 

She looked up at me, calm yet I could see the worry on her face. I knew and she knew, this was happening right here right now in this bed.  I cried, she put her gown on and began to coach me through it.  Everything seemed to be happening so fast, yet so slow at the same time.  The baby was almost out, when she frantically asked me to get on my hands and knees.  I was confused, but I trusted her, with help from the nurses I turned over onto my hands and knees.  She was calm she was confident, "Baby's head is stuck but we are going to do this together"  

At this point in time I was exhausted, I was so tired I couldn't push anymore. I didn't have it in me.  I saw my mom.  She was standing quiet in the corner her face was flat. No expression.  If you know my mother, she is a nurse.  Sitting back in the corner is not who she is.  That is when I knew.  I knew something was wrong.  I was not positive at this point, but inside I knew that he was gone.  My doctor was trying to coach me, I couldn't hear her.  My own thoughts took over the pain was to much.  My mothers voice broke through " You have to do this, you have to push and push hard.  This is the last chance"  I took everything I had and pushed, I screamed, I cried, but I pushed.  He was out.  My amazing doctor had gotten him out. 

He was quickly taken over to warmer bed for newborns, I could see his arm hanging flat down as they ran away with him. I knew.  He was gone.  I heard the speaker system loudly calling out, code blue, code pink, code blue, code pink.  Soon my room was full of people.  So many people all surrounding the warmed my lifeless baby lay on.  I was still exposed on the table on my hands and knees.  Everyone had left me.  I asked for a blanket, no one seemed to hear, I asked again and my amazing doctor who had been with me before, heard me.  She got my covered up and back onto my back to deliver the placenta.  She was calm in storm.  

I remember my husband trying to talk to me, all I could get out was "He is dead, it's ok, we are going home without him" I kept repeating those words, the only words I could form.  I turned my head away from watching the doctors work, when my moms face lit up, I turned to see them swaddling him and whisking him away.  He was alive.  He had come back.  They took him to check him over and all I could do was lay there. I looked to the foot of my bed and saw three nursing students sitting on the floor crying.  All I could think of in that moment was, why are you crying, he is alive.  I really believe the shock and trauma from that night never really did hit me until years later talking about it.  

This part is from my moms experience, she walked out of the room into the hallway to see my doctor with her head against the wall.  She had been my anchor in there, never showing fear, she went to the hallway to breakdown.  This situation was not just my own trauma, those nurses, doctors, students, other women in the ward, they had all heard and they were all affected by this.  

I was kept in the hospital for one week with him, they wanted him monitored very closely to watch for seizures.  I hated being there, away from my other kids, alone.  They had my son in a different room as me, I was only able to go visit a few times a day.  After the week I am happy to say we went home.  With a incredibly healthy baby.  The last addition to my family.  We did it, despite everything we went home together both healthy and ok.  

I am very proud to say he is perfect, he was no issues, he just started his first year of kindergarten. My last and strongest baby.  I believe he held in there for me, he knew that I would not be ok if he didn't make it. Someone somewhere was watching over us both that day and I owe them everything.