Dating after divorce.. yikes

So you find yourself newly single after years of being with the same person.  What now.  That was my question, what do I do now?  My entire life I have been with someone.  I went from living at home with my parents to moving in with my husband.  There was no life in between.  

We find ourselves in a new era, where you don't go down to the bar, or chance meeting someone on a night out or mutual connection.  How do most people connect in the world, the internet.  Dating apps.  I didn't know where to start, so I leap in.  I downloaded a dating app. It takes you through all kinds of questions about yourself, asks you to write a bio.  Who else hates writing about their self?  This small five or six line long message is supposed to tell people who I am and why they should want me?  As if! 

Well I did it, after signing up my friends found the fun in it for me, constantly taking my phone looking at profiles and choosing who they thought best.  It is kind of a rush, you hear that ping, a match.  Pretty soon another ping another ping the thing had gone crazy.  Lesson learned don't let your friends go wild on there pretty soon I was overwhelmed.  It was not long before there was over 150 matches, and 70 messages in my inbox.  How on earth are your supposed to try and keep up with this?  Do I start conversations with all of them? Is it rude to ignore some?  It was crazy.  

I started a girls group chat, thank god for great girlfriends.  Every night we would go through it together.  Team work you know?  Some messages were just a simple hello, or a how are you?  While others were completely off the rails. I will attach some here just to let you laugh along with us. This one was my personal favorite, absolute worst way to try and start a conversation. 

How do men expect someone to respond to this?  Ignore. 

With the help of the girls we weeded it out and I had started talking to a few people on there. It was conflicting at the time.  Did anyone else feel like it was just wrong to talk to another man after their divorce?  Like you were somehow cheating on your ex spouse?  I had those thoughts, A LOT.  I have to thank my best friend for pulling me through it.  She helped me get over my feelings and push forward with my current life, not my past life.  So here I was talking to someone I thought I had a really good connection with.  I was telling him about the crazy messages that get sent to me, then he drops this line in there. 

Excuse me what? Your wife? Turns out I was talking to someone who wanted to add a third person into their relationship. Delete.  This was my turning point ok, this was fun this was entertaining, but that is enough.  I deleted the app.  Someone local had been messaging me and I just continued with that conversation.  We had met up a few times and it was fun, but dating in a small town is hard.  Everyone there knows everything, I was not ready for my kids to know I was exploring the dating world, and I think deep down I was not ready to be out in the dating world.  

A week or two passed, and I found myself out with a group of friends I have not seen in a long time.  I was having fun, no fears of what was waiting at home, or what people would think, I was myself and I had fun.  A close friend I have known for years commented to me that he felt like he knows me better now in one night than he had in years.  I was fun, I enjoyed talking and being out.  It surprised people, and by that I mean a lot of people.  I cannot count how many people commented to me or to someone close to me that they didn't realize how fun and full of life I was.  Those comments well meaning hurt. 

Had I pushed myself down so much that people thought I was a different person?  Is this how I had been living my life? It was time to change, time to let people see who I was.  I downloaded the app again.  

The same as before happened, lots of matches very little actually promising of going anywhere.  Most of the time the conversation would get to the juicy life details and I would say I have four kids. Ghosted.  A few men would reply that it was more than they were looking for and I appreciated that.  Honesty, if they did not want kids, they would never accept four that were not their own.  Ok this is getting old, lets change it.  I put it right upfront in my profile that I had four kids.  The matches never slowed down, but less conversations and honestly it was nice.  I don't want to waste time getting to know someone to have them leave once they find out about the kids. 

Then there was a time I almost deleted the app again.  Small town dating apps with a very small area range, you see a lot of people you know on there.  To my surprise, a lot of married people you know on there!  This was way over my head, I had lived with a man for 13 years faithfully, and I suppose you could say hidden in a bubble. People actually had open marriages, or they didn't and their spouse didn't know they were on there.  It was crazy.  I remember thinking, ok maybe I am not ready for this. I feel like a little kid seeing the world for the first time and being scared and wanting to run back inside. Then it happened that match that changed everything. 

I remember being in a city college waiting in the hallway to take an exam, I was nervous.  It was a new place I had never been full of young college kids.  I did what we all do, I hid in my phone.  I opened the app and swiped a few photos.  I remember looking at one thinking, well this wont go anywhere, but he looks cowboy and had a cute horse in his photos.  Ok swipe.  That was it, it was time for my exam in I went and then drove the four hours back home.  That evening I get a message in my inbox, Howdy.  

Well out of all the ways to start a conversation howdy isn't all that bad.  We started a conversation, which quickly lead to him saying, this app sucks what is your phone number.  Panic... Was I going to give this complete stranger my phone number? Soo fast?  He could be a serial killer, or a complete creep or a stalker.  I liked talking to him, so compromise I gave him my snap chat.  We started sending daily photos of our day to day, and chatting every day.  I really liked him, he didn't seem like someone creepy, or a murder. Ok here it goes, here is my phone number.  

Laying in bed one night my phone starts ringing, a strange number I didn't recognize.  Do I answer?  Normally I see a strange number I do not answer at all. Voicemail will get it, if its important I call back.  This time, I answered.  To the nicest voice I have ever heard saying Well hey there gorgeous.  I was cautious and squeaked in a hello?  He laughed do you know who this is?  I replied I think so?  He laughed again, it was him.  The one I had been talking to daily made the first call. We talked for hours, it was so easy, no pauses, nothing forced just talked like we had been friends for years. 

Now this sounds like the end, but it wasn't.  I was talking to two other men at the same time.  Horrible I know! I am not sure how this was all supposed to work, am I supposed to only talk to one? I had no idea how to date.  Feel free to comment below your experience.  Was it wrong to have more than one conversation going on the app at a time?  How is this supposed to work, I am still unsure! 

I decided ok, I will tell the one that I am no longer looking for a relationship.  Now we were down to two.  One lived only an hour away and was very sweet, we had gone on one date and had a pretty good time.  The other was so easy, so comfortable almost perfect but lived four hours away.  Seems like a pretty obvious choice right?  Not so much.  

My sons hockey team was heading through the city that the far one live by, I took the chance.  I said our hockey bus stops here and I was wondering if you would want to meet in person.  Seemed like the safest choice to me.  I would not be alone meeting a stranger in a city.  I would be with a hockey bus of 40 people, and only stopping for half n hour.  Perfect, if he is a murderer there is no chance of him taking me!

The bus stopped, and I seen his truck sitting outside in the parking lot.  My heart was pounding.  I walked around the corner of the bus to this man leaning against his truck and I was struck.  He was so handsome.  He had this most beautiful crooked smile that just melted me inside. We chatted outside the truck for a bit when he suggested we sit in the truck.  Let me remind you this is winter in Saskatchewan it was cold.  We got in the truck and it just felt natural.  I am a super shy person when meeting someone new.  I freeze up and get awkward.  This never seemed to happen. He had been shopping in the city and reached in the back to show me what he had picked up.  As his arms reached around I could see his hand visibly shaking. 

I asked him what was wrong, and he looked up at me with a sheepish smile and said "I am so nervous right now, I cannot stop shaking"  My heart skipped a beat.  Someone this nervous to meet me?  Me? I was nothing special yet this man thought that I was.  I grabbed his hand and we both let out a gasp.  That was it.  We were struck together.  He shared a quick small kiss and back off to the bus I went.  Sad with my decision to meet this way.  I wanted more time, I wanted to sit and talk for hours with him.  

Fast forward only 4 short days later. He called me after work like he did every night, saying how we wished we had had more time together.  I told him I would try and make it up there soon but I was so busy with kids hockey and work it seemed impossible.  It was 8pm at night and he got excited, "I don't work tomorrow" I said oh nice a day off, clueless as I am.  He said "I'm stopping at home quick to pack a bag, but I am coming to see you" 

He arrived shortly after midnight, I had booked him a hotel room at our local hotel.  A man just drove four hours to spend one day with me.  I was nervous and excited and shaking.  He was my calm, so easy, so perfect.  That was it.  Dating apps deleted, the other man told I am sorry but I found someone I clicked with and the rest is history.  I am now moved four hours away from my home, living with the man I feel completely head over heels in love with, at a hockey bus stop.