Mixing two families together

 Some of you might never find yourself in this situation, but others might relate very closely to this. Okay picture this you are separated, or got a divorce and met someone new.  This new person in your life not only takes on your kids, but they have kids of their own.  How do you put all of this together as smooth as possible?  That was my biggest question and fear entering a new relationship.  This is my experience with it and of course it is not the same for everyone.  

I met my current spouse and we fell head over heels fast.  It was tricky at first, I almost felt guilty sneaking around the kids.  Why? It was not because I wanted to hide anything, I think in these situations you just want to be sure that this person in your life is going to stay before bringing them home to the kids.  I worked full time and basically had my kids full time, there was not much down time of just me alone.  My partner also worked full time and he had his kids on his days off in a 50/50 type of situation.  

Seeing each other got tricky avoiding both sets of kids, it took some dedication let me tell you.  This told me a lot about the man I was seeing.  He would drive all kinds of crazy hours just to see me for a few hours, sneak a visit here and there.  If someone was that dedicated to making this work for me, this is someone I want in my life.  Ladies if he wanted to, he would.  That goes through my mind so often.  So how did we end up mixing this all together?  

My kids had seen my current spouse before, the first time he came to see me, we watched my sons provincial hockey game together, but to my kids that was moms friend, nothing more.  So he had seen my kids and said hello to them, but as moms friend.  I was at the game with a group of friends so it was nothing surprising to them.  On the other side of things, my kids dad had already been seeing someone that he had introduced to the kids.  Breaking the ice on us seeing other people.  She was also in attendance at the game that evening. Things did not go as smoothy as I had thought.  My sons team won and I had asked my spouse if he would come on the ice and take a photo of me and the boys.  He was more than happy to, it's just someone taking a photo, I would never ask him to be in the photo, this was the second time we had met in person.  When walking across the ice my ex bumped into my spouse.  He put his hand out and introduced himself.  I remember thinking that was big of my ex.  I was happy smiling ear to ear.  Maybe this isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.  Walking back off of the ice after the photo my ex came up to him again this time bumping into his shoulder pushing my spouse a bit and said something like "Good F****** Job bud" Which left me confused, you just introduced yourself civil and happy, to turn around and become angry. I realized he was feeling the feelings I thought I would have seeing him with someone new.  He was not at the stage of healing that I was yet.  And I am here to say, that is okay.  We can't force someone to heal the same as someone else. 

I thought I would struggle more with that experience, seeing your ex with someone new, you really never know how you are going to react.  I was completely surprised by myself, I felt happy.  Yes happy.  I was happy that he had found someone to help him through this.  I was happy it was someone who also had kids, so she knew exactly how it would feel having another women in her kids life.  This was the last thing I expected, I expected anger, or pain, even jealousy.  Nothing.  I almost felt relief.  I think in my situation I had mentally left my marriage so long ago, those hurt feelings were already healed and gone. 

I do recall breaking down one day when my kids had come home from being with their dad at his girlfriends place for the weekend.  The kids talked highly of her, and were so excited and happy to be there and play with her kids.  That was the knife in the guts to me.  Would my kids love someone else more than me?  Is this how its going to be now, listening to how happy their dads spouse makes them? That is when the jealousy set in.  I stewed on in for a few days, talking to my spouse about it.  He made me realize, this is a good thing.  My kids loved the new person in their life.  Would it make me happier if they came to me and said they hated her and hated going?  No it would not.  I wanted my kids to be happy no matter what, and no matter with who.  I wanted my kids happy.  I quickly realized this was the best possible situation.  If he was happy with her and she treated my kids right, this was a good thing.  The start of something new.  This gave me hope that when I was ready to introduce the kids, they would accept it quickly.

My spouse had drove the four hours to come for a overnight visit.  My kids were at their grandparents for the weekend.  Perfect timing, or so I thought.  Soon after he arrived my oldest son called me, can you please come help me.  He had been walking hills all day trying to catch his horse.  He was exhausted tired and clearly upset.  I looked at my partner and it was as if we both had the same thought.  Ok we are on our way.  "We?" I got a reply from my son.  I said yes we.  We drove out together and helped my son out, and my son got to meet him first.  The first meeting is always a bit awkward.  Everyone is allowed to have their feelings, this new person isn't my dad, but he is nice.  It is conflicting for kids and I talked to my son about it for a long time. 

It was done, he had met one of my kids he might as well meet them all now.  No more secrets.  I introduced him to the kids and to my surprise it came so easy to them.  They all seemed to be happy for me and accept things pretty quickly.  A weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  I talked deeply with the boys, explaining it is ok to have feelings about their mom seeing someone other than their dad.  They expressed some concerns, the youngest asked if his dad was still his dad.  Of course you still have a dad, I didn't want my kids confused so we all sat down together and they had the opportunity to let it all sink in.  

After that weekend everything was a breeze, no more sneaking around work and kid schedules, he was free to come visit us whenever he could, and I was free to go visit him and bring the kids if I needed to.  I would say he clicked with my oldest first.  They became quite close, and my spouse was so respectful.  Every year I take my son to the same steer riding school, close to where my spouse lives.  I had asked him to come watch with me, instead of saying yes he turned to my son and asked him if it was ok if he came to watch him.  My son was more than happy to have him there.  That amazed me, he wanted my son to know he respected his feelings and was not pushing to be in is life, rather than waiting to be invited in.  This was a man. The man I needed in my life and my kids lives.  

Now that we had gone through the steps of him meeting my kids.  I thought ok let's get this over with, I would like to meet your kids.  This is when a bit of a struggle happened.  His ex was not as willing to let someone else into her kids lives.  Which was fine.  As a mom I understand, I feel her pain and her fears, I get it, at the same time, I was not going anywhere.  Sooner or later I would need to meet them.  I'd like to say that that was then end of it we waited until she was comfortable and things were great.  That is not how it went.  It was now summer time and I was on the road a lot going rodeo to rodeo with my kids, and back home working the week days in between.  Trying to see each other got more and more difficult because when he had time off, he had his kids, and they weren't allowed to know I existed.  

I am not proud of myself, but I let this bother me.  Bother me to the point where I was starting fights about it.  I was pushy, I knew this was the man I planned on being with for the rest of my life, so when do we get to begin our lives?  I feel awful about it now, putting that extra stress on my spouse.  Unless you have been in this situation it is hard to understand the frustration of it all.  I might sound like an asshole to some people, and I might sound sane to others, its doesn't matter to me where you fall in this.  This is just my experience my life.  Everyone gets to make mistakes and this was one of mine.  

I seemed to forget everyone in this situation has feelings, I only thought of my own.  I thought of how much this was hurting me not being able to see the man I had fallen in love with.  Forced to sit through video calls, and being hidden quickly if his kids would come into the room.  It hurt.  I felt like suddenly I was not the love of his life, but a fling to be hidden.  Then the panic sets in, did I introduce my kids to someone who doesn't feel as strongly about this relationship as I do?  That is when I really started to push.  It caused hurt feelings on both sides.  

He was stuck, stuck between trying to keep two women happy.  One his current girlfriend and one his ex wife.  He wanted to respect her wishes at the same time he wanted to make me happy. Oh the stress I put on this poor man.  It was awful.  Finally mid July he called me and said my niece is getting married this August and I want you to come with me.  I asked him if his kids would be there and he said yes.  

I was relieved but at the same time conflicted.  I did not want a big family function to be the first time meeting his kids.  I did not want them to feel backed into a corner and blindsided by this.  I was hoping for a small just us meeting to make them feel comfortable and not forced.  I expressed my concern to my partner and he also agreed.  There is one thing we established very quickly into our relationship.  Kids come first.  End of story, the kids come first.  He had tried to explain this to his ex wife and she was having none of it.  She wanted to meet me first.  This is the first thing I completely understood.  If another women has to be in her kids lives, the very least she could meet her.  

I was nervous but excited ok, lets do this.  I had come up to visit for a few days while my kids were at their dads and had planned to meet her and hopefully gain her approval to meet her kids.  My spouse called her to set up a time and place.  She was busy, what a coincidence every day that I was in town she was busy.  This broke me a little.  She was never going to meet me.  I was discouraged but we didn't give up.  We tried again the next week.  Busy.  I gave her dates I could drive up just to meet her. Busy.  I broke down, my poor man was stuck in the middle of this.  He wanted to respect her feelings in this, but at the same time he was also getting frustrated.  

I called him one night after thinking about this over and over again in my mind, I asked would she be ok with a phone call.  I could call her and she could talk to me, let me know her thoughts, how she was feeling get it all on the table.  He agreed this might just work.  He called her to ask. No.  I was losing patience at this point.  I am trying to make you understand I just want to be respectful to you, to your kids.  I want this to be a good relationship.  It seemed as if it was never going to work.  

The wedding date approached, and I was still worried sick about it.  I hoped the boys would be ok with me there, I hoped it was going to be a good weekend.  I didn't want to hurt their feelings by being there.  The weekend before the wedding my son and I were at a rodeo, my spouses parents drove up to watch with me.  We had a great day and they had left back home again when I got a phone call.  My spouse was on his way to the rodeo, with the kids.  He also felt it was not right for them to be forced to meet me at such a busy family gathering.  

Nerves set in.  Ok I hope they like me.  He arrived with the kids and it was like we had been together this entire time.  The boys watched my son ride steers, sat with me in the stands and chatted all day long.  So much relief.  The boys had reacted the same as mine.  They were ok, and they were happy.  At the end of the day that is what this is about.  After that weekend, we mixed all of the kids together and went camping, it was as if these kids had been brothers their entire lives.  

I'd like to say it was as easy as that and everyone lived happily ever after.  That is almost the case.  We now all currently live together and the kids are happy.  They call each other stepbrothers and they act like it.  They get along, they fight, they are happy they are frustrated, but in the end they are together and living happily.  It wasn't easy adding six boys all together in one house, but we manage and despite the fights at times, I truly love our big family.  I am sure we will have more struggles down the road, but right now it is right where we need to be.