Starting life at 30?

 Have you ever looked back at your life and realized you might have been sleep walking through it?  Well I did, and I was.  Lets go back to the beginning, I had a typical small town life growing up on a ranch.  I had the whole deal, two loving parents, 4 siblings I looked up to and a great group of friends.  My life was pretty normal day to day, helping my dad with the animals, school, sports and friends.  My life was just plain, simple and uncomplicated, until it wasn't. 

Going into grade 12 the pressure is on to plan what you want to do with your life, where do you want to go to school, how do you plan to pay for school?  The entire senior year stress.  My senior year ended, and my adult life was forced to start.  I want to prepare you for what you are about to read, its raw, its real, its my life experience.  I know not everyone shares this experience, but I do know thousands of women have my experience and it is not talked about.  

In my grade 12 year I had been seeing my boyfriend for over a year, we were pretty serious, but with leaving for school coming up who knows if it would have survived.  Around may of my senior year I found out I was pregnant.  Every girls worst fear.  My life is just beginning and it feels like its the end.  I'm here to tell you it is not, but its a rocky road.  I attended my high school graduation pregnant, not lots knew at this point, or so I thought.  That is a story for another time.  Instead of going off to school like the rest of my classmates, we bought a house in our little small town and started our family.  

I had a beautiful baby boy, and year later we decided to add another baby to our family, I had loved being a mom.  I loved it, that feeling that this is what I am supposed to do.  My kids became my entire world they showed me a love I didn't know was real.  That unconditional love that most search their entire lives for.  The father of my kids, I thought I loved, the kind of love you think is real when your so young and have no real experience in life.  It was a strained relationship filled with jealousy, anger, substance abuse issues and at the end of it love.  We got married six years into our relationship, one of my biggest regrets.  I knew this might not be the right decision, we were strained, it is hard making a living and being with someone for the kids.  The day before the wedding I had almost called the entire thing off, but deep in my gut I had this feeling, don't let everyone be right, don't be that girl who gets pregnant in high school and never marries the kids father.  

Like I said I did love him, with what I thought love was.  I know was married with two beautiful boys, I had hopes of having a girl of my own, so we decided to try one more time.  Nine months down the road our third boy arrived.  Three boys now, oh boy oh boy.  Life was busy, life was crazy but it was my life and I loved it.  

At this time I was basically a full time stay at home mom, I didn't really have any friends most had left town, and I wasn't out working to make new friends.  The time came when I decided I needed to go to work, I started my job in healthcare and met some amazing coworkers.  This was my changing point where I got my wake up call.  At this point in time our relationship was completely on the rocks, the substance abuse issues were getting really bad, his company had shut down and he was forced to look for new work, this came in the form of a job opportunity from a family member.  He knew he had a family to provide for so he took it.  This was his downfall.  

Life at home became very much like walking on egg shells.  I would work all day come home take care of the kids, then spend my evenings avoiding him completely or trying to talk to him about getting sober.  These talks never went far, he would break down tell me what I wanted to hear, then crack open another drink in the same five minute span.  It was breaking me.  A co worker I had come to love and confide in spoke to me about her same experience, kids young married and substance issues, and how she got out and was in love with life again.  

This got my mind turning and spinning, how could I do this on my own?  That's when I found out I was pregnant again with baby number four.  I'd like to say I was happy, I was over the moon.  I wasn't I was depressed and sad.  How could I leave now?  I already have three boys to try and take care of, now we are adding another?  Towards the end of my pregnancy I found my joy, but it took awhile to get there.  

I remember the night he was born very clearly.  My husband and I had just got into a fight, as he was heading into a volunteer group in town meeting.  I knew what that meant.  That meant he was going in to the meeting for an hour, then to sit and drink with his friends for the next three or four hours and I was left home alone.  Insecure and largely pregnant.  Two of my boys were gone to their grandparents for the night and one boy was home with me.  We were snuggled up on the couch watching a movie when my water broke at home.  No warning sign, no contractions zero.  Another story for another time. (It's a good one) All you need to know right now is that with my last three boys by the time my water broke it was minutes before they arrived.  I desperately tried calling my husband, no answer, call ignored. I gave up and called my mom, she and my dad were there within minutes to drive me the hour and half to the closest hospital.  One last attempt I tried calling my husbands friend who answered the phone.  I asked to speak with him, I could hear him yelling in the background, " she just wants me home".  He did take the phone and made it home just as we were pulling out of the driveway.  

This was to be the hardest birth I ( as well as many nurses and my resident doctor) have ever been through.  My son was born footling breech, with no heart beat.  They quickly rushed him away to perform cpr.  They brought him back.  I remember in that moment looking over at him everyone around him and feeling at peace.  I told my mom, he is dead, we are going home without our boy.  I was numb, I didn't feel any emotion.  I later found out through therapy that I was in shock, not just a horrible person as I had thought.  

After all of this, we get settled in our hospital room for the night, and what does my spouse say to me. "I need a drink" He left to a bar with a friend, then sat in the parking lot drinking.  This was crushing to me.  I felt like a failure, I knew he was in shock too but I was laying there in shock, just had given birth and his first thought was to leave me.  

Time went on, we went home with our new bundle and continued on with life, I loved him, that last boy made my family complete.  He was so sweet and his brothers loved him.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I was made to be their mom.  Nothing in life has given me that much love.  Those boys were my world, but as we started life as a now family of six, that is when the sleep walking began.  After my maternity leave I returned to work, I took schooling at home to complete my CCA course.  I worked and I came home.  If I went out it was to my kids sporting events or the very odd occasion my friends would come home and drag me out.  I thought this was life, everyone has a difficult home life, they work and make a living and raise their kids.  

My marriage was on the rocks, things became mentally abusive towards myself and the kids.  Alcohol is a terrible thing, and I was naive enough to think I could help him, save him from this path.  It is an awful thing, and the wrecker of families and homes.  I was under so much stress I remember not being able to focus at work, always worried about where the kids were, what his state was, is everything at home ok.  My final wake up call came when my oldest son and I had gone to a hockey tournament four hours away.  Before we left my husband and I had had one of our usual fights, and I left the kids with my mom and took off for the weekend, barely speaking to him or calling to check in.  When I had gotten home, he was in full withdrawal and seeing and hearing things.  He started yelling at me about speaking about him to his mother in our kitchen.  His mother was not in our home.  I called my mother and we took him into the hospital.  The thing that cut the worst on the drive there, we was saying he was going to die.  He called his mother and asked her to change all of his benefits and insurance into her name so I didn't get a dime.  I wasn't there for money, lords knows we never ever had it.  He was admitted to hospital and I went home.  There is lots that happened during that week, but another story for another time.  I made up my mind to do what was best for my children and myself.  I told his family I was leaving, I am sorry but I cannot do this anymore.  To my complete surprise, they supported me.  They told me I was doing the right thing, and this is what gave me the courage to stop sleep walking through life and make a change.  

Here I was December 2022, alone with four boys.  My husband was taken in by his family to help him recover and the boys had regular visitation.  It seemed like life would be ok, he would get better for them and I would move on and find my happy again.  This is where I am going to sound like the jerk here, in January I downloaded a dating app and took the first big step into a world I had never ever been in.  To remind you I had been with my husband straight out of high school, for thirteen years.  I had never dated before.  Some may think this was way to soon, yes I had been faithful and with my husband, but mentally I had left this marriage years ago, and I was not ready to sit back and hide.  I had just turned 30 and I was determined to make a new life.  One where my kids don't get a mom who just sleep walks through everything.  A mom that loves life, and is involved and shows them you can find happy no matter what.  I had read a post on facebook once that hit me hard, Your kids don't just need a mom they need a happy one.  I took that to heart. 

At the end of January I had to go four hours away to complete some schooling at a college, nervous sitting in the hall waiting for my exam I was looking at my dating app,  The typical swipe left swipe right. You know the deal.  I had swiped on a cute cowboy with an even cuter horse, and thought nothing of it.  Let's be honest how many times do you swipe just to swipe, who is actually looking that close for a match?  I sure was not.  That evening I got a message from that same guy.  "Howdy"  That was all it said, how cheesy but cute at the same time.  How do you even start conversations on those apps?  We have all seen the cringy first messages some people send, its always a laugh.  Little did I know this little howdy was the beginning to finding my life again. This man was the wake up call I needed to recreate myself.  A man that lived four hours from myself, how would this work out?  He made it work.  They say if he wants to he will, well he did.  Lots of driving back and forth, lots of fuel money spent, worth every cent.  If I was to go into all the details this blog would be a million pages long, blogs for another day possibly, for you all who like every juicy detail.  One year after seeing eachother, we decided to make a change. I packed up my four boys and myself and we moved four hours away from everything we have ever known.  It was the best move I have ever made in my life.  I won't say everything has been simple and easy, but this man has made sure at every turn he is there to help us.  

This was it, I found a love I had only believed to be true in movies and stories.  A love so deep, when I look at him I feel myself falling even harder.  Every single day he shows me more love than a lifetime.  I could go on for hours on how amazing he is.  I am happy to say he woke me up, I no longer sleep walk through life.  I feel everything, the happy the sad the highs the lows.  Every detail and every day it makes me want to be better, push harder, accomplish the impossible.  If you are still here reading, you are a trooper, in this blog I want to share with you the start of my new life, new experiences and the joy in finding yourself again.  The words of wisdom some amazing people have passed on to me, and the highs and lows of combining families.  I hope to find people like me, who spent the first half of their life in a slumber, and give them hope there is something out there. You will find it, buckle in and follow our crazy life as a family with six boys and two crazy people in love. 

Follow along to read about our crazy amazing life.