First Christmas without the kids...

 Every single person going through a divorce will have to deal with this at one point.  The first big holiday without your kids.  Of course everyone's experience is different but this was mine.  It was awful.  I cried from the second they left the driveway, and lets be honest I am still crying four days later.  I have been separated since 2022, so how is it possible this is the first time I actually had to have a holiday with out them?  I am not a big holiday person in general, easter, halloween, thanksgiving you name it, I didn't grow up in a family that made a big to do about these holidays, so sharing my kids on them didn't seem to fizz on me.  It really wasn't about a certain date for me, I would celebrate it with them when we had the time and when we were all together.  Christmas on the other hand, has been my favorite holiday since I had my kids.  

I loved making the big to do, putting up the decorations, making things with the kids, the hype about santa coming to bring them gifts.  I loved every single moment of it.  I always made sure my kids had a great christmas, and from the day my oldest was born, we had christmas morning at home all together.  We could go to relatives house the night before, the afternoon of christmas it didn't matter to me.  Christmas morning was spent at home in our pjs opening gifts with the kids.  If grandparents wanted to join they were more than welcome.  My parents usually came every year to watch the kids open their gifts.  My ex husbands mom would come in and watch usually every other year.  That is how his family did it, one year with the inlaws and the next year with the other side.  

The first year my ex and I separated, I was still living in our family home with the kids, so we did christmas morning together with the kids.  That is how you're supposed to isn't it?  Everyone get along and do these things together for the kids?  That's what I thought it could always be like.  I was wrong.  

The next year my kids and I were up at my current spouses for the holidays.  We were not living here yet, but soon as school was out we came up here to spend our time.  It was special for me, my first christmas away, I thought it would be hard, but it was actually pretty easy.  The kids spent time sledding, my oldest took his horse out and pulled his younger brothers around the yard on a sled, everyone was so happy full of laughter and joy. My ex was not in a very good place at this time, his addiction was getting pretty bad, and I just didn't trust taking my kids there unsupervised.  It absolutely kills me to admit that.  That I didn't feel my children were safe with their own father.  This year was technically his families turn for christmas and my kids love it.  They go to their grandmas and see all their cousins they don't get to see lots.  I did not want them missing out on this, so I came up with a compromise.  

I knew my ex was still unemployed, he couldn't afford to do the  whole santa thing with the kids, but I still wanted them to feel that christmas magic so to speak.  I ended up spending christmas eve with the kids doing our usual christmas eve gifts and games night getting ready for santa.  Christmas day the kids and I opened gifts at my current spouses house. (His kids were with their mom this christmas)  This was his second christmas without his kids, he handled it much better than I did.  Back to the story here.  The kids opened gifts, had the big santa surprise had a big breakfast, then my partner and I loaded them all up in the truck and drove them the four hours to Eastend so they could see their dad and spend time with the other side of the family.  

I still got to spend christmas with my kids, it was a really good day.  We dropped them off at their grandmas house and turned around and drove the four hours back home to pick up his kids the next day to spend our boxing day with them.  His parents came over and we had a really wonderful time.  It was perfect.  

This year, total different story my kids and I are now living up here, so I have them full time.  I asked them what they wanted to do for christmas and it was kind of a split decision.  My middle son mentioned he really wanted to spend christmas with his dad, because last year he had christmas with me.  That was pretty fair.  As much as it hurt my feelings, I am happy the kids still want to see their dad.  They still love him, no matter what had happened between him and myself the kids still love their dad and it made me happy.  I had messaged my ex about this and he was happy with the idea.  So I got their stockings together to send to their dads house and prepped myself to spend my first christmas without them.  

My dad and my sister came up to visit us before christmas.  We took the kids to the outdoor rink, they got to play and skate.  They did some sledding, we had a big supper followed by a games night.  It was the last time the house was so loud and crazy.  The morning of the 24th my sister left, followed by my dad who had my kids in tow to take to their dads.  I held it together all morning, made everyone waffles for breakfast and wished them well on their way.  

The door shut the goodbyes and I love you.  I walked to the sink to start the dishes, I could hear the truck pulling away and the noise slowly faded away, and I broke.  I stood over the sink crying holding a dish in my hand.  My spouse came over and asked if I was ok.  I could barely find my voice to squeak out "I'm Fine"  He knows better, he stood there in the kitchen hugging me as I completely broke down.  It was if something in my had just snapped inside.  I felt numb.  I finished the dishes and excused myself downstairs.  I was just about to crawl into bed and curl up into a ball I got a text my son had accidently put his hockey helmet in a friends bag, I had to go pick it up. 

My spouse started the truck for me, I dragged myself up the stairs and into the truck.  I lost it again.  I was sitting in the driveway crying so hard I couldn't drive yet.  It was a few minutes of sitting there before I got myself together enough to drive.  It was a half hour drive there and back, it felt like eternity.  Do you ever feel so lost that your entire body just feels out of your control?  I had to focus so hard on the road to keep the truck moving. I just wanted to stop.  I wanted time to stop and just let me freeze for a bit.  

I got home crawled into bed and cried myself into sleep.  During this time my inlaws had shown up with all of their christmas stuff in tow.  I felt awful.  I was so deep into a poor me episode I knew it was going to take everything in me to put on a happy face for them.  I love them to pieces, they have been a huge support for me, nothing short of incredible.  I didn't want to let them down.  I got up and went upstairs feeling ok, but as soon as I turned the corner to say hello, I seen the table all set for christmas.  The fancy table clothes the food set out all over, the baking new gifts under the tree and it was a stab in the guts to me.  All I could think of was, my kids would love this.  The amount of baking alone she brought their mouths would be watering.  

I ended up excusing myself and going to bed early.  One day.  That is what I told myself.  It's one day, you can handle one day. Christmas day.  The next morning I could hear my spouses kids up and excited to open their gifts and the guilt surged through me.  I missed my kids so much.  I wanted to see their faces, I wanted to hear their screams of joy when they seen what santa had brought them.  

I wasn't going to ruin it for these boys, I got up and we let them start opening gifts.  They brought me my gifts that were under the tree and I said oh it's ok I want to wait until the boys are home and open my gifts with them.  My mother inlaw was having none of it.  She demanded I open the gifts that she brought.  I felt a little ashamed at that moment.  I didn't mean to offend her, I just wanted to share that moment with them.  I felt awful.  If I open these now I don't get to open anything with my boys.  I was torn between what I wanted and what would make other people feel good.  I reluctantly opened gifts with everyone.  I know she meant well, she just wanted to try and make me feel better.  It just so happened it made me feel worse.  I felt sick to my stomach, but she had gone through all this trouble to make a christmas breakfast, so I sat down with them and ate what I could.  

I was fighting with myself in my head.  Why can you not just be happy and enjoy the moment you are in.  Stop crying and pouting over what you cannot change.  How many times has one said this to themselves?  It happens and I wanted to so badly just be happy and enjoy the day.  When I say I have never felt depression like this I mean it.  I just felt numb I could not find happy in me.  After breakfast the kids were playing with their new toys, and my spouse and his parents were chatting away in the kitchen.  I went to lay down.  My head was pounding and I just couldn't find the small talk in me.  It was almost killing me to speak at all.  I ended up falling asleep for a good portion of the day.  

I'm actually surprised how long my spouse let me sleep.  When he came in to wake me up I broke down.  Before Christmas I had mentioned maybe leaving for christmas, going to my friends house or to my sisters.  I could tell this upset my spouse but he told me whatever I needed he would accept it, but he wanted to spend christmas with me.  I knew this was going to happen, I knew I was going to break down into this puddle of a person, and I did.  He hugged me as i apologized for ruining christmas, I should have left so they could at least have a happy time.  He reassured me that I wasn't ruining anything for anyone, they would be doing the same thing if I was here or not, and he was happy I was here.  

I got up and we had christmas supper, I was pretty quiet through it.  It was if my mind had gone blank and I just didn't know what to say anymore.  I did up all the dishes and we decided to sit down and watch a movie.  I honestly couldn't even tell you what movie we watched.  I was off in space.  I went to bed before everyone again.  When I woke up the next morning, my inlaws had already left.  They are early risers and apparently sleep had become my escape and I slept in until eight or eight thirty.  I got up to a completely silent house.  Its the sound I hate the most.  I live with six kids in the house, quiet is an unusual thing, buts so so loud.  I was feeling horrible, I had successfully made christmas uncomfortable for everyone around me.  I was feeling lower than low, I found my way back into bed and I stayed there all day.  Just the past day or two when it has just been me home at the house I've found myself getting up and around.  Cleaning up all the christmas decorations, doing up the mountain of laundry left from everyone here, feeling a bit more like myself every day.  

I didn't realize how much one stupid silly holiday could hurt a person.  Thinking on it, I cannot believe how horrible this was.  I didn't realize my mind could put me in such a dark place, over what?  ONE DAY!  I'm writing this to share my experience, to anyone out there who is spending this holiday without a loved one.  I know I can't be alone in how I felt.  I also know there will be people who say what is wrong with you?  They will be coming back in a week or so, why get so depressed over it?  I can honestly answer that with, I do not know.  I have no idea why this was so incredibly hard for me, the mind is a funny thing.  Christmas has come and gone, and I still feel alone and sad.  I will be spending new years alone, and missing my sons birthday at the beginning of the month.  Two more days to get through.  

I know soon my kids will be home, and we will open gifts together then, and life will go on, I know this was a over reaction to missing one day with them, and maybe someday I will laugh at how pathetic I have been during this time, but right now I am just taking it day by day.  Am I crazy? What is your experience of spending your first holiday without someone special?