From working mom .. To Full time stay at home mom.....

 If you have been following along with my journey on this blog, you'll know I completely changed my life recently.  Moving myself and my kids four hours away from our home, the place I have lived my entire life and starting new.  With this came some changes,  I have gone from a full time working mom to a stay at home mom.  Sounds amazing right?  It's.. conflicting and to say I am 100% loving it would be a lie.  Now I know some of you are shaking your heads at me screaming, this is it, this is the dream! To be able to stay home and raise your children without the added stress of work, how can I complain about that?!  Well hopefully I can describe it for you....

When I was pregnant with my first son I was working at a local motel cleaning rooms, nothing glamorous but it was a pay cheque.  Remember I started life early, finding out I was pregnant in the last few months of my grade twelve year.  I had already been at the motel part time throughout high school, so I just continued on until I was not able to any longer.  I had my first son and I was a full time stay at home mom and I was alone.  All of my classmates had headed off to start their lives, my boyfriend at the time had taken on a new job that was long hours, sometimes sixteen to eighteen hour days.  He was gone in the morning before I was up and he was home way after I had gone to sleep.  I was alone in the house with a baby.  My saving grace was my best friend at the time.  She was still in school, but she was with me almost every day.  She was my driving force that kept me happy and content.  I am ever so grateful for her.  My son grew up calling her nanny, because we were together so often and she helped me other people joked and asked if she was my hired nanny.  

Back on topic here, not working.  With me not working I had no income, nothing of my own.  If I wanted or needed something I would have to ask my boyfriend for money.  I hated that part, I felt like I was a child asking for an allowance.  He was free and able to spend his money how he chose to.  If he wanted something expensive, be a new gun, or truck he got it, but if I wanted something it was, well we will have to see if we can afford it right now, or I just don't want to pay for that right now.  While it might sound like I am bitter about this, I'm not.  It was his money he worked for I understood, it's not like he didn't provide our needs, he paid the bills, bought groceries, diapers, the works.  Some people this type of system might work for, they might be happy just to be content and taken care of, I am not one of those people.  I wanted my own money, my own freedoms.  

I needed to make the change, so I went to work.  I worked as a waitress, and part time at the local daycare. I loved the daycare and had taken schooling to get my ECE level 1, with the plans to continue to get my full ECE degree, but it was the tip money that I made as a waitress that allowed me to do this.  I finally had that freedom that, if I wanted to get something extra for myself I could do it on my own.  I was lucky, I had a village around me.  What I mean by that is I had overwhelming support to help raise my kids and be able to work at the same time.  My family was a godsend, they would baby sit for me help me out with whatever I needed, they are the only reason I was able to work and have my kids.  I continued to work these two jobs until I was pregnant with my third son.  

When I became pregnant with my third son, my husbands company he was working for at the time folded.  This meant, no work.  He went into a depression and his addictions sky rocketed at this time.  He got some work helping a local farmer which brought in some money, but nothing like it was before, and with his addiction taking up most of the pay cheque things were tight.  I took my full years maternity leave and returned back to the daycare.  This was a help because while I was working my kids were half price to be there. Now if you are not familiar with how daycares in Saskatchewan run, its complicated.  To work full time you have to have your full ECE degree,  I had not finished this yet, I only have my level one, which meant my hours were limited each month, there was no possible way to work more, it just legally was not allowed.  To continue the schooling, I had to find the money out of pocket, which I was not able to do with my husbands income at the time.  

I had to make a change.  My mom was the one who pushed me into health care.  She had been working health care her entire life, and currently was a nurse at the local health center.  She gave my resume to her boss and everything was a blur from there, before I knew it I was hired, and working as a housekeeper, a CCA, as well as working in the kitchen.  I had to leave the daycare, my manager there at the time felt like I had abandoned her, and lets just say the parting was not a good one.  The truth is I loved working there, but with now three kids at home and my husband not working much at all, I needed this larger income, and at the daycare that simply was not possible.  

I found a new passion as a CCA, I loved it.  I loved my co-workers, my residents everything was great.  The SHA at the time was paying for new CCA's to take the course, so I hopped on the opportunity.  I took my schooling and graduated the program, and worked my ass off.  I was finally free.  You all already know the story how I split from my husband, this job was the reason I was able to.  It gave me the financial freedom to raise the boys on my own.  Fast forward to current.  

I moved in with my current spouse and found a job as a CCA a town over.  It was an hour drive to work for me one way, but I made it work.  At first we really had to juggle around schedules, mix and match to make it possible to me to be able to take shifts and the kids be taken care of.  Remember I moved, I lost my village that helped me do this before.  It is not just my spouse and myself for childcare.  This basically only allowed me to take last minute shifts or schedule so I was only working on days my spouse was off work.  This caused us to never see one another.  He was working, home at eight and both of us exhausted and in bed by nine or nine thirty.  Then when he has his days off, I was working and gone until eight, or working 12 hour nights and home and sleeping.  It was a vicious circle that even the kids felt like it was not working.  

One morning getting ready for work my one son was begging me please don't go to work, I miss you.  This broke me a little, my kids have never noticed me not being home before, because of that village.  My mom was a saint and did so much with my kids, or my brother constantly taking them on adventures, good and bad.... the kids loved it.  Once hockey season kicked in, so did the exhaustion, trying to be a million different places at one time, it was not working.  My spouse and I had to conversation and it was decided, I needed to let work go for awhile.  

Mid December we made this decision, so I have only been home a few months and it is a struggle.  I find myself going through the same daily routine, getting bored and discouraged.  I have gone back to having to ask for money for things, but there is a change now.  My current spouse is very open, that I do not need to ask, this is our money.  "OUR" money, I cannot wrap my head around this, its a foreign thing to me.  He works for it, it is his money.  Wrong.  He reminds me almost daily at this point, because well I am stubborn.  He works for this money away from home, while I am here, cleaning the house, getting the kids to and from places, making the meals, keeping everyone's schedules, planning events, making sure our day to day goes as smooth as possible.  This, is a full time job, just because I am not on a pay scale does not mean what I do is not worth something.  He reminds me that he wouldn't be able to do what he does if I didn't keep everything else going.  This has changed my mindset.  

Being a stay at home mom is worth something.  It is worth your children growing up with at least one parent at every function.  A parent at every single game or event, or a parent free to rush to the school and pick them up while they are sick.  There is a parent available to them at all times. I am free to make sure the house work is kept up on, the meals are prepped and made.  I am home.  That is the bottom line, I am home and the kids are happy.  

I still struggle asking my spouse for things, but this man, I have said before and I will say it forever, this man is a saint.  He reminds me daily that I am worth something, and I deserve to have freedom with money as he does.  We still have to budget, only working off of one income now, but it feels less of a heartache when you have the right person by your side. I find it hard not being able to give my kids quite as much as I did before, but need to remind myself I am giving them something else in return, my presence in their lives.  I am learning to appreciate being given this opportunity to test out being a stay at home mom.  I am determined to make the best of it.  Please tell me your experiences, and thoughts.  Are you a stay at home mom or a working mom?  What at the pros and cons?