Change. Coping with all of the changes.

 Life is continually moving, it never slows down or speeds up, its moving on at the same pace but I find myself feeling like it is moving so fast lately.  When your kids are little, time seems to move so slow.  I found myself thinking, Oh I can not wait until the next stage, I can't wait until they can walk, or they can talk.  I couldn't wait to watch them go to school make friends, start playing sports.  You want the world for them and you just seem to be in a hurry to see it.  Then the next second it seems they have grown up and those days at home with your littles is over, and you long for those days back.  You miss snuggling that baby, listening to them sleep, watching their little faces experience the world.  You blink and it's gone.  You never again will hold that small child in your arm again.  

I read a quote once that really brought me to tears, while I do not remember exactly how it went it was something like:  There will come a day when you pick your child up and set them down for the last time.  One day they will come running into your arms you will grab them and pull them into your arms and pick them up, and once you set them down you will never do that again.  I thought about how true this is, one day you will pick your child up like that for the last time.  It seems so final.  I know any mom out there has tears just thinking about this.  We never want to stop holding our babies, but at some point they grow up.  

Life has been a whirlwind lately, running to kids sports here and there, juggling the schedule of all the boys.  It has been hard, but it has also made time feel like it is just flying.  My family for the summer we rodeo, as you know from my previous posts.  We love our rodeo family, and friends, it is the highlight of my summer.  This is our year of change, and I am finding it so difficult to swallow.  My oldest son, has moved on to riding in the professional circuit, so he is now travelling with other people, long distance and quick trips, drive there, ride, turn around and come home.  While my second youngest is just starting out his rodeo career.  He went to his first steer riding school this past weekend and while he loved it, he has way more fear than his older brother.  I do believe he will be ready to rodeo next year, but this year I think he needs to learn and grow and push through his fears before we go off on the rodeo trail.  So, where does this leave us?  No rodeo for us this summer.  We will be staying home, travelling to a few of my eldest's rodeos when they are relatively close for use to watch, but mostly will have to settle for watching him on the tv.  This is hard for me, to not be there.  He is older now, he doesn't need me there.  He is growing up and moving on and doing amazing at it.  As a mom this is so hard, while its everything I want for him, at the same time it is so hard letting them go off on their own and make their own way.  

This will be the first time in over six years we have not followed a rodeo circuit, and just thinking about it I find myself in tears.  I will miss it terribly.  The atmosphere, the excitement, and most of all the people we have met along the way.  They really do become a part of your own family.  You watch these kids start out and grow, you watch them struggle and succeed, you become apart of their journeys as well.  I am thinking of all of them this year and wishing them the best.  We most likely will travel to watch a few of the rodeos, so I don't completely lose it all, but still it is not the same.  My spouse has assured me, we will make the best of our year off, focus on getting some things at home together, get our arena finished so the kids can practice at home, do more camping, and just be present at home.  I am excited for these things that we never seemed to have time for before, there is still that dull ache of missing out!  

My spouse has been my rock through all these changes, it truly is amazing how much you can get through when you have the right person by your side.  If I was alone I know I would sit and wallow in my sadness.  He doesn't allow it, he is right there to pick me up when I am down and I owe my entire new perspective on life to him.  We will get through this, and we will be back into the rodeo scene before we know it.  This momma is just being a grump.  Who wants their kids to grow up and not need them anymore?  Some days I cannot wait for some peace at home, but once it comes I know I will feel so sad.  Empty nest as they say, I fear for that day.  I have spent my entire adult life doing everything for my kids, I feel like maybe this is the year to find some things for myself.  To find out who I am without trailing the kids around.  This will be good for me and for them.  Sometimes you just have to let go of their hand and let them explore who they are without you as well.  

I find myself looking at photos of when the kids were all young, in my eyes that is exactly how I still see them.  Then I open my eyes and look up and see these grown boys standing there, it's hard!  Time could just freeze for a little while.  My youngest has his kindergarten graduation this year.  My days of having him home with me every other day are over.  He will be gone every day next fall, trailing his brothers around.  This is the turning point, once they hit school it just becomes a blur.  They seem to grow so fast.  I can't tell anyone else how to cope with this, but the only way I have been is with my spouse,  I cannot say enough how important it is to have someone there to pick you up when you're down.  That support is what carries you both through together.  My advice, slow down, go outside play with the kids, go on that ice cream date, take them with you.  Spend all of the time you can, because so quickly its over.  They grow up and outgrow dates with mom or dad.  I am a person who sets my mind on getting something done and I don't stop until it is, and I need to break this.  When the kids ask for a movie date, or please come outside with me, the answer cannot be not right now I'm busy, because soon the kids will stop asking you, and you miss out.  Stop and smell the roses.  The house mess will always be there, I mean come on you have kids! Haha.  You will always have something to do somewhere, include the kids.  Take in every moment.  They may whine and complain and drive you absolutely crazy sometimes, but that will end.  This summer will be about finding myself, and enjoying every moment of my kids, soaking in this summer of change.