Lets talk Co-Parenting

 Every person with kids who moves on has to deal with this situation.  Co-parenting.  There is a huge stigma around co-parenting.  You see it everywhere people complaining about their situation, whether it be co-parenting with your spouse, or being a step parent and co-parenting.  It seems to be everywhere.  One morning my whole tik tok feed was filled with people posting about their kids step mom.  Being a co-parent and a step mom it really hurt me to see some of these posts.  Most situations I found were driven by jealousy.  

Jealousy is a terrible thing that can makes lives miserable.  Jealousy seems to be an excuse to act horribly towards some people, just because you can.  There is no real reason except your own personal feelings.  Still it is a valid feeling that everyone is going to have to process when a new person steps into your kids lives as a parent figure.  When you have kids, you have this unconditional love, and this big feeling of this, this being right here is mine.  You think that you will only share that relationship with the parent of your child, well unfortunately life isn't so black and white.  Things happen in life and parents split.  Ok, now someone else is in your childs life, loving them and sharing time with them.  So what used to be two people, is now three, which can turn into four if both parents move on.  Lets face it. It is hard.  

It is hard to share something you feel so strongly about with someone else.  I cannot write how to deal with this for everyone, but I can share my experience with it. Is it easy, no, is it worth it, yes.  

I met a man who had two kids, he shares custody with their mom 50/50.  Going into this relationship I knew at some point that I could become a step mom and him a step dad to my kids.  That is a lot to wrap your head around.  A point we both made to each other early on was kids come first.  No matter what our kids came first.  It has been hard but it has been working for us.  If you have read my previous posts you read about my struggles coming into this family, meeting his kids, jumping through the hoops that his ex had set out for me.  While she frustrated me in this process, I remind myself, these two little boys are her life.  She is about to share what she loves most with me, of course she has to make sure that I am the right person for this job.  

I think a lot of conflict can be avoided if you sit back and realize, this co-parent this "other" person literally is letting you take care of what they love most in this world.  That is huge and its hard.  In our situation her and I do not directly speak to one another about anything to do with the kids.  Do I love these boys like my own, absolutely I do, but the cold hard facts is they are not mine.  They belong to him and her.  They are the two to make decisions for these kids.  I am there to support their decisions and be the best bonus parent these boys can have.  I know some people reading this might think its a bit snobbish not to speak to her.  I don't mean we don't say hello, how are things or have conversations.  What I mean is anything to do with the kids, if its sports, school, extras, birthdays anything really I do not speak up.  This is not my place.  Those boys have two great parents, and those two parents are able to make those decisions without a third chiming in.  If she wants to make plans on a day where she is supposed to have the kids and she knows my spouse is working, she will ask him if I would mind driving the kids, or taking them extra.  There is no direct contact there.  Which might bother some people, for myself I prefer it this way.  This way both parents know exactly what the plans are and who is involved in these plans.  I am a bonus parent, not a decision making full time parent.  I think sometimes people forget that. You are an extra person here.  It's not a bad thing, but you do not need to push yourself into trying to be the "mom" or the "dad".  

Of course my spouse and I talk about things for the boys and discuss how it affects our household or schedules, but the end decision making is made by their two biological parents.  I found quite a few situations arise when the biological parent feels like the step parent has over stepped.  Feelings get hurt and that jealousy bug comes out full force and it causes nothing good.  We have only been co-parenting full time for a year now, so it is still new to all of us.  I have spent hours thinking about situations and reversing them to think about it as, ok what if that was my kids with a step mom, what would I be ok with and what would hurt my feelings? This I feel has prevented so many disagreements or hurt feelings.  One situation was I wanted to plan a big birthday for one of the boys and my spouse was not on board.  For the life of me I could not figure it out, I just wanted him to be celebrated.  I sat with it for a few days, confused and slightly hurt that he didn't want to plan anything.  I finally just decided to ask, what is so wrong with wanting to give him a birthday.  His response was, well his mom wanted to plan him something, and I don't want her to feel overstepped.  My response.... are you kidding me you are his dad, why does one parent get to plan something when he is with us on his birthday?  Why can't as his dad you give him a party?  Now this man is a saint, his reply to me was just I don't want to cause any feelings, I want to talk with her about it.  This hurt me even deeper, like I was overstepping?  Well.... after some deep thought about it, he was right of course he was right.  Would I want a step parent planning my kids birthday when I really wanted to plan them something?  Of course it would hurt my feelings. She had been wanting to take them to a hotel with a pool and friends, she just was having trouble finding the right time to go.  I felt like an idiot, I can tell you my reaction and responses were completely driven by jealousy.  I was jealous he wanted to discuss with her before me, I was jealous he seemed to be favoring her side.  The truth was he wasn't.  He was thinking kids first.  This man has to be one of the best dads I have ever seen.  He cares so deeply about the kids, and their feelings, especially their feelings about their mom.  He really is amazing. 

I have had people ask me if I get jealous of my spouses ex wife, and I wish I could lie and say nope!  That just isn't true of course I experience my own feelings. It used to bother me that him and his ex communicated so much.  I thought of our situations, I left my husband I was done with that marriage I was ready to move on.  He had been the one who was left, so then that brings on, well maybe he wishes he was still with her. Those thoughts can crush you.  I talked with him about it and his answer never changes.  No, no he does not wish that, their relationship was not good, and  as much as he disliked her and the things that happened, the one thing he can say is that she is still a good mom. I think that really shines what type of person he is.  To have so much hurt feelings toward someone, but still be supportive towards her and their co-parenting, because no matter what, she was still a good mom. 

 The boys are young and sometimes they will say things like, I wish my mom still lived here, or I miss when my mom and dad were together.  That hits me hard, I find myself feeling awful like I am just the worst person alive.  I used to let it hurt me a lot.  I have sat with it for quite sometime and I realized, they don't mean I wish you weren't here, sometimes they just miss having both their parents in the same house.  I get it, no kid wants their parents to be apart, but that doesn't mean they are unhappy with how life is now.  She is their mom, when my kids are excited about something, I am usually the first person they want to tell, their mom.  So when something happens for them of course its her they want to share with and its hard when she isn't here anymore.  It doesn't mean they do not love or like me.  As a mom I understand that.  My heart leaps out for them in those situations.  I wish I could change it for them but it just doesn't work like that.  Instead I support it, when they say I miss mom today, well lets do something nice for her, maybe its a phone call, maybe they make her a card, or talk about the fun things they did with her last week.  I have started to encourage them to talk about their time at their moms.  I think at the beginning they felt like it would hurt my feelings if they talked about their mom, and you know it the beginning I think it did hurt a bit, until I wrapped my head around it more.  It's been so much more freeing for the kids I think.  They don't have to be scared to talk about anything around me.  Oh your mom got a new dog, well tell me all about him.  Oh your mom took you to see a movie, what did you see?  How was it?  You're so lucky to have such a good mom.  

I think it is so important for them to see the other parent supporting both their lives with you and their lives with their other parent.  I don't want these boys to have to walk on eggshells worried about upsetting me or upsetting their mom.  I want them to be free to talk about their lives as a whole anytime they want to. There is not right or wrong here, you have to find what works out best for you.  This is just my small experience with co-parenting, and I am sure there will be bumps in the road ahead,  all I can say is slow down, take the time to think through the situation in your head.  Reverse it if you have to, think would I be upset if the shoe was on the other foot. Find what works best in your situation and just make sure kids first.  Kids feelings come first.  They are trying to navigate growing up, don't make it harder with drama between their households.  Love and kids come first.