Struggle of trying to handle co parenting

 This is a post I probably should not be writing right now, my hands are shaking with anger.  Co-parenting, so much fun! I hope you can all read the sarcasm because that line is full of it.  I truly do not understand why some people need to make things so difficult.  My partner and his ex co parent amazing I think.  They communicate, they have each others backs with the boys, and they are there for anything that counts.  A kid has trouble in school, they talk between themselves then deal with the situation.  They both love their children enough to leave their disagreements behind and just be parents.  Why can all situations not be like this! 

    My situation, I have an ex who has no real custody of the kids, he sees them on holidays from school and long weekends if I can make it work to get them there.  I have never held the kids back from going to stay down there.  Times he has asked for them to come for a week over school, that is the only time I have drawn the line and said no, school first then visits.  This is their life here, school, sports, commitments.  He needs to work around their schedule to.  Every time the kids go there though, I see a change.  A change in how they act and what they say to me.  This last time for example, they stayed a week and I said I was coming down Saturday and would pick them up Sunday morning.  Not a problem.  I pick them up and made a comment how I was tired.  BOOM there it was, one of my kids says oh that's because you were up partying all night drinking with your friends.  Um excuse me?  For background information, I came to Eastend, went to the health center to get my blood pressure taken and ended up in Shaunavon hospital until 9pm that previous evening.  I had iv lines put in, blood taken from both arms, a blood pressure cuff on both arms and both my legs at one point.  I had stickers on monitoring my heart, I was afraid not knowing what was going on, but yes someone put it in my kids ears that mom was just out partying all night.  Good to know thanks. 

    These last few months of hockey things get tight money wise as the cost of everything has soared, rodeo season is coming in hot, and the next set of sports invoices are starting to come.  Things are tight.  I reached out to my ex to see if he could catch up what he owes me.  He said he would pay half of their school and sports fees every year.  We split end of 2022, it is now 2026 and I have not received a dime in payment towards helping with these fees.  Yet I have a kid tell me, well dad said he sends us lots of money but you never give it to us.  UM EXCUSE ME AGAIN.  My bank records show that is and out and out lie!  I messaged him a few times can you please catch up on some of this no response, silence.  I push harder and say like I don't want to do this but you pay nothing else for support, if we need to go to court to get this paid we will.  Then the responses start coming "I don't much appreciate the attitude. We don't have to be like this at all it'll only get worse" That is a direct quote from a message I received back.  With still no effort to try and get caught up on payments. Just a note that he doesn't appreciate my attitude.  

    Listen, from 2023- present he has not paid a single dollar into raising his kids.  Nothing.  I have paid for it all, every sports fee, every hotel and over night trip, every school fee, every hot lunch, every article of clothing they need.  I have paid for it.  So I think it is ok for me to have an attitude about not getting any help with anything.  I run around and change my schedule to accommodate getting the kids to him, or driving kids to different places they need.  My oldest was in Calgary and sick and just wanting to get home, I paid for a last minute flight to get him home.  He is on the road needing entry fees, food or fuel money, again guess who paid it. His dad sent him $100 once while he was on the road, followed by numerous texts to me about how this getting to expensive and he can't be asking for this kind of money.  And yes you want the proof you better believe I still have those messages.  A hundred dollars?!? I was sending him at minimum 300 a weekend. Bare minimum that is what it cost me. And yes I definitely have the bank records and transfers to prove that to.  

    I have held my tongue and held my tongue because, kids don't need to know what is going on between parents, but tonight I held it no longer.  After my kid phones his dad then sits at the table next to me playing a board game with it on speaker and I get to hear how bad my parenting is.  First Lukas did not go to hockey practice today, because he has been getting in trouble at school for the past two weeks phone calls from the school have been daily.  Today I picked him up and asked if there was any trouble.  He said no, I asked are you sure and he said I promise.  We go to the hockey rink and boom phone call from the school about Lukas today.  That is it, I am not putting up with this behaviour anymore.  No hockey tonight.  Actions have consequences. On the call with his dad all he says is, oh swearing at school isn't really a good excuse to miss sports that is silly you should have went to hockey.  Oh, so you have absolutely zero to do with their day to day lives, but you get to talk down and judge me about how I choose to discipline them?  The entire conversation was a talk down on me, how I am not doing a good job, and I just felt my blood boiling.  

    They talked about this little dirt bike we have that does not run, I wanted to fix it for the kids, but we ended up getting a little quad and another little bike, but that doesn't stop their dad from constantly bringing it up, oh we would have that fixed if it was here.  Another jab at me.  Well your mom obviously is not doing anything for you, if you were here it would be done.  Okay yeah, sure.  Another topic how my kid wants to make money and he asked mom to pay him for chores and mom said no.  Well dad has to jump in and be the hero and say well I would pay you an allowance.  Oh would you?  Because how about you start now by helping raise them with a little support?  Around the half hour mark I could not take anymore and told him to wrap up his phone call.  Normally I let these things just slide off me.  It is his attempt to make the kids want him more, make himself look like the knight in shining armor that would do all of these things that mom just doesn't. 

    Okay maybe this is the anger and rage in me but I have had enough.  I will not stay silent anymore and I will not be letting things slide off anymore.  I do not speak to the boys about what goes on between me and their dad, that I have been constantly asking him to pay his half of these fees.  I don't tell them that their dad doesn't send any type of support for them.  They will make comments how dad has such a good job and makes such good money now, I just keep to myself.  No more.  I will not be treated as less than in my house because he doesn't know how to handle himself.  Let's look at the facts here shall we..... One of us has a drivers license and one doesn't I will let you guess who is who.  One of us pays everything for the kids, one doesn't guess who again.  One of us has a consistent home and home life one of us does not.  One of us counts every penny and budgets and makes sure the kids get what they need, one of us doesn't.  One of us bitches and complains about the thirty dollar a month fee to watch hockey live stream while one pays for the fuel for travel, the extra food, the hockey fees, the hockey gear, the team fees, does the fundraising and works hockey games, one of us doesn't.  I will let you decide who is who in these scenarios.  

    I have held my tongue, I have bent over backwards even getting my mom to meet me half way to make sure the kids get down there to see their dad.  Ryan has drove them all the way there came all the way back then went to work that night, so the kids could see their dad.  I have worked hockey games, footballs games, done the fundraising, been to the practices, taken them to school, picked them up, got them to their appointments, helped them with their school work. While someone sits at home and judges everything.  Someone does not lift a finger to help in any way.  I put in everything, but I get talked down about to the kids!  If you do not like me that is fine, trash me to your friends complain about me to your partner.  Do not talk down about me to my kids.  Do not put them in the middle of this drama between us.  Do not put ideas in their heads that you have no intention of fulfilling.  Stop promising these kids that life at dads would be better simply because you are bitter.  Straighten yourself out, be an adult, start supporting your kids and maybe actually start caring about their wellbeing instead of your own.   

    You see he gets that choice.  Oh she is asking for half of sports and school fees, well I will just ignore that and hope she goes away. I don't get that choice I pay the fees in full so these kids can do the things they want to do.  I make it work so they get a good childhood, while you just get the option to turn away and ignore it, but play the saint when around the kids.  Life must be so simple to live that way.    I have been all about healing lately, letting the past go healing and moving forward, but with this comes all this anger and rage from years past.  I think for me to let go and make peace with the past I need to stop letting someone walk all over me, just to prevent the kids from seeing what their dad does to their mom.  No more, this line of communication will be open, he tells them a lie I will correct with truth and facts, he wants to say he sends money, I will show my kids the bank accounts that say that is a lie.  I will no longer be withholding all of this.  I am tired of breaking myself to raise these kids to be turned into the villain.  The kids will know the entire truth and not be left in the dark any longer.  I need this healing to happen and I need to not be twisted up in some sort of game.  I am going to continue on in their best interest, and yes I will still be taking time out of my day to make sure they get down there for visits.  I will never withhold or restrict their time with their dad, but I will not tolerate or allow his lies any longer.  

    I know there are so many people out there in this same situation and I just want to say, I hope it gets better for you.  I hope you can find healing and peace.  I hope your kids see what you do and how much you sacrifice for them every single day.  I hope you get the appreciation that you deserve.  You are doing the best you can and one day I hope you look back and be proud of how you handled these years and how amazing your kids turned out because you refused to give up on them.  I pray you still find enjoyment in these hard times, and it will eventually be over.  I am praying for you!